Have Faith?

Sometimes I wonder what it means to 'have faith' that something will happen. I don't really believe that I can just pick what I want to have happen and then 'have faith' that it will. I think what it means is 'have faith' that whatever happens, even if it isn't what I want, that God is there and He is in charge - therefore it'll all be the way it should be. And that kind of faith is hard for me to find right now.

I am sure everyone has felt like this about something. I'm sure everyone reading this has hoped very hard about something. Maybe to graduate high school, maybe to find the spouse of their dreams, a good job, a stable future. I am at the point in my life where children and having them are at the forefront of my dreams. Actually I have been dreaming about that for 10 years now. Most of you know that we needed In Vitro Fertilization and now I am so incredibly fortunate that after all that time I have had a beautiful son. It still amazes me that it has actually happened and that he is really here. Well our dream continues. We started dreaming and hoping for another child last winter. We've waited forever and wanted our kids all close together. I dream of a sibling for Caden, for that complete family that I imagined we'd have years ago.

We have tried twice to create that new life. We are going the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)route. 2 embryo's didn't make it last february and now just 2 days ago I found out that our second attept with 2 more embryo's has also failed. We don't know why. Everything was as perfect as it can be. There was nothing more that could be done. You just hope and hope and hope. You let yourself imagine what it'll be like in one month, 6 months, 9 months when a new baby will be born. But then you brace yourself for that possibility that that won't be the case. That you will be right where you are now at the same time next year. There is no way to know. We waited for years for Caden and he was worth it - more than worth every minute waited, every tear shed and every needle and pill taken. And our next baby will also be worth all that we are going through now. I just keep reminding myself of that. I have to hope that all this will result in another child. If I don't keep believing it then it'll be too much to put us through over and over again. I worked it out and once the clinic calls to start the process for another try - it is a 58 day process. That doesn't count the 60 - 90 days we have to wait for the call. So basically it takes us over 120 days per try. So, I am rushing around keeping busy trying to get those days behind me. I know that's kind of crazy but I feel like I am in a hurry to make this happen. I just CAN'T wait anymore.

Everyone has their story, their hope and their dream. This is ours and this is the road we are on right now. It isn't easy making a miracle happen but we've experienced it once and hopefully we'll get to experience that again. And all the while I'll try to become the person who can honestly 'have faith' in what God decides for my life - no matter what it is.