Infertility

I have written a little bit about our struggles with infertility (but very little) and I realize that it may make some people uncomfortable. One of about a thousand issues that has to be dealt with when this happens is who to tell, when to tell and how much to tell. It is different for everyone. If you don't want to know - don't read this. We have tried it both ways and it was so much better to share. Don't get me wrong, when you keep it to yourself, it is easier in some ways - people aren't going to have to get their hopes up and then feel disappointed for you (that becomes one of the things you dread - having to disappoint people because you know they want good news for you), you can deal with disappointment in your own way and you can avoid the topic for the most part.

Why we decided to be fairly open about it is because we believe that God gave us each other for times like these. Our friends and family are our support system. One of the things you have to have to get through this without totally losing your mind is people to lean on. so - thanks to many of you that have been there and have prayed, called, written, and so on. I don't think we can express what a different experience it is when that is there.

Something else people may not realize is that when you keep it a secret you start to feel like a wierdo and you can't explain to people why you are going totally crazy (drugs!and emotions) and behaving like you just lost your favorite pet or like you want to kill people for no apparent reason. So - if at any time I am mean, am crying for no reason or seem absent minded or just plain crazy - I ask you to please cut me some slack. I will sometimes not be myself while on this road!

We have learned and experienced things we had no idea about before this and therefore we realize that people who haven't been through this can't know it either so we'll cut you some slack too!

Why am I writing this? There are a couple of reasons. First of all, it has just been on my mind lately and I want people to know that even though it is the hardest thing we have ever experienced we are comfortable with it. Ask us whatever you want, or nothing if you just aren't comfortable with it. That's ok too. Second, and the reason that really helped me decide is that there are SO many people out there who struggle with infertility. I have been looking on the internet and looking for books to help me understand what is going on and to help me through all of the emotions involved. I only just recently found a book (and ordered another) written by women who have been through this and it is incredibly useful to me to see that I'm not alone. There just isn't alot out there. This topic has been and still is somewhat taboo which I personally think is a shame. Shouldn't we share so we can support each other? Especially the women who get poked and prodded, who feel that ache, who experience such high hopes and such devastating lows. Maybe someone out there will read this and not feel crazy (like when I read that I am not a terrible person for sometimes hating those that get pregnant at the drop of a hat; and I'm not crazy for feeling guilty immediately after having that feeling). It was kind of hard to decide whether a public blog is the place for this but I think it will be a good thing. Don't worry though - there will still be more pictures of Caden than you could ever want to see and there are alot of other things in our life as well - we'll keep you posted!