Yesterday was a long day. It started with me having to go to my doctor's office to keep an appointment that I had initially made for the purpose of hearing my baby's heartbeat and looking to see if we would find one or two babies there. When I get there it was a misunderstanding and the appt. was only for the ultrasound which I, of course, no longer needed. They don't realize that I have had a miscarriage so I have to tell them. Lovely. So - I cry in front of these poor nurses who had just started their monday morning. So I go home all emotional after having psyched myself up for this and it ending up to be a waste of time. It's hard to explain why it was such a difficult time but it was horrible.
They called me later to say that yes - the Dr. did want to see me that day so could I come back at 430 - oh sure - why not!!?
I think I spent the last little while in some sort of shock or something. I don't really know. But yesterday was a weepy day for me.
Then I had to wake Caden up after only 45 minutes (instead of his usual 2 hours - and I put him down early enough) to go for his 18 month needles. It was ok. I got there and ran into someone I knew who shared that she had also had a miscarriage so we talked a little. Then I took Caden into the room and he was great until needle time. Then he was squirmy. Then he cried and was obviously in pain and possibly feeling a little betrayed by his mom who was holding him down for this torture. Of course we all go through this but I was in such a sensitive state. I'm glad it is over. He did well though. Only cried for a moment and then was fine and we've had no side effects so far.
Then I took him home - dropped him off and went to my appointment. The doctor was doing a c-section and was an hour behind. Lovely. So I sat and read articles and wished I wasn't in this room with pregnant people and tried not to think of that little tiny sweet baby being born right in this same building I was sitting in completely empty. Oh if only I was there for the right reasons!
Eventually I got to see him ( I was the last person he saw for the day - not the ideal time slot to get) and of course there were no answers. If you've had a miscarriage you know that they think nothing of the first and sometimes even the second one. It is really no big deal to them. They see it all the time. Well, I have one more shot at it before I have to go through the WHOLE process again - not to mention just deciding whether to go through it all again. Each decision is hard to make. I cry in there too of course. It happens at the drop of a hat these days. So I get home at 615 completely exhausted. But glad that the day is over.
Every day that goes by I am grateful for. It is another day towards a resolution of this time in our lives. We will eventually be done 'making our family' as it were. That's when we will know the answers to what we can expect now. That's not when I want those answers. I would love them now.
Oh well. The best thing about having a bad day is that the next day will likely be better and, while it wasn't all party hats and dancing, today was better than yesterday. What more can I ask for right now?
They called me later to say that yes - the Dr. did want to see me that day so could I come back at 430 - oh sure - why not!!?
I think I spent the last little while in some sort of shock or something. I don't really know. But yesterday was a weepy day for me.
Then I had to wake Caden up after only 45 minutes (instead of his usual 2 hours - and I put him down early enough) to go for his 18 month needles. It was ok. I got there and ran into someone I knew who shared that she had also had a miscarriage so we talked a little. Then I took Caden into the room and he was great until needle time. Then he was squirmy. Then he cried and was obviously in pain and possibly feeling a little betrayed by his mom who was holding him down for this torture. Of course we all go through this but I was in such a sensitive state. I'm glad it is over. He did well though. Only cried for a moment and then was fine and we've had no side effects so far.
Then I took him home - dropped him off and went to my appointment. The doctor was doing a c-section and was an hour behind. Lovely. So I sat and read articles and wished I wasn't in this room with pregnant people and tried not to think of that little tiny sweet baby being born right in this same building I was sitting in completely empty. Oh if only I was there for the right reasons!
Eventually I got to see him ( I was the last person he saw for the day - not the ideal time slot to get) and of course there were no answers. If you've had a miscarriage you know that they think nothing of the first and sometimes even the second one. It is really no big deal to them. They see it all the time. Well, I have one more shot at it before I have to go through the WHOLE process again - not to mention just deciding whether to go through it all again. Each decision is hard to make. I cry in there too of course. It happens at the drop of a hat these days. So I get home at 615 completely exhausted. But glad that the day is over.
Every day that goes by I am grateful for. It is another day towards a resolution of this time in our lives. We will eventually be done 'making our family' as it were. That's when we will know the answers to what we can expect now. That's not when I want those answers. I would love them now.
Oh well. The best thing about having a bad day is that the next day will likely be better and, while it wasn't all party hats and dancing, today was better than yesterday. What more can I ask for right now?
Comments
praying for your strength and positive attitude to shine through during this time. miss you.
It was good to see you at the clinic - sorry that you had such a bad day and that I added to it by mentioning that I had heard what happened. BUT, rest assured that I know the feelings you're having and continue to have them now even with our son - that thought that he will never have a sibling breaks my heart if I let it. Some days are good, others not-so-good... but you move on because you have to - there's no other choice. Deep down I have hope that there will be more for us. Do all that you can to continue to fight for and focus on what is important -yourself, Caden and Justin. Laura