Juno

So, I did it. I went to "Juno" last night. And I've jumped on the bandwagon. If you haven't heard, "Juno" is the oscar nominated movie about teen pregnancy and a couple who can't have their own children. It has many layers and I thought it was really well written - if you like lots of sarcasm and wit - which I do. The actors were interesting and likable but not perfect. I knew going into it that it would hit me in the emotions and it did. I was prepared for it. I was grateful to have a moment where I was allowed to wallow in those emotions, if that makes sense. I don't let myself think too long or hard about any of this stuff anymore. They show the ultrasound appointment which hit me pretty hard because I should have been having ultrasounds for my baby but I'm not. I let myself feel sad. Some people on the infertility and adoption blogs have been criticizing Jennifer Garner's portrayal of the babyless mother but I thought it was fantastic. She's not real likable in alot of ways but she played the desperation and the sadness (oh and the incredible desire to have control in some aspect of her life) so well. There's a scene (I promise not to tell you anything that will ruin the movie in case you were worrying) where she asks Juno how sure she is about giving them her baby. "are you like 70% sure or more like 85%? youknow?" I completely felt her hope and desire and fear all wrapped up in that one question. As in "is it really going to happen this time or is my heart going to be broken again? - Do i dare hope? Can I believe in this? Because I'm afraid I will be destroyed by disappointment". I feel so grateful that my arms aren't empty anymore. I felt that emptiness for so long before we had Caden. I had that fear of hoping for something you may never have. As many of us do. So, it reminded me of that and made me grateful and it brought my current situation of wanting another baby right up to the forefront again for awhile.

The movie is about more than that and it's really funny. I laughed out loud quite a few times. But I was drawn to those parts for obvious reasons. I am praying that God will give us peace and confidence in His plans for us as we begin another 'round of treatment' as they call it - in other words - as we try for another baby, once again. This is try #4 (not counting Caden) and I don't know what to think or hope. I don't really want to think at all but unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way. My thoughts go there about a million times a day. Will this be the time? Will we run out of embryo's and never have another biological child? Is that God's plan? Why can't we know? Sigh, - I know the answer to that. Knowing effectively takes away the opportunity for learning and growth that these experiences are supposed to give us. Where is faith if we know exactly what is going to happen? It is time to trust - to put the situation in God's hands and let go. In less than 2 months we will have our answer. Then we will keep going forward. One thing I do know - is that I have the strength to get through some tough things. I have thought, in the past, that "if this happens I won't be able to handle it" and then it happens and we survive. We are much more resilient than we think. God heals.

So, thanks to Juno for letting me release a little pent up emotion and anxiety :)