Our hearts our broken

Our hearts are broken. We have shared every moment of this journey to have another baby with everyone so I guess it is necessary to update everyone on what has happened. We have lost the pregnancy. I miscarried yesterday. I am shocked that we are having to add this to our list of struggles in fertility. I sort of feel like saying 'seriously? are you kidding? Is this really happening to us on top of everything else? Why give us any hope in the first place? Why make us think we have finally had a successful embryo transfer for one week? What was that about? What was the point of that?' If I wrote down all the questions I have you would never be done reading this. I'm sure you could read all about them in the 'how to understand a friend who has had a miscarriage' tips... As far as how we are doing - we are so sad for this life that was lost. I am estimated to have been at about 5 1/2 weeks. That's almost 4 weeks that the babies (they suspect, by my hormone levels that there were two) were growing, developing. I was feeling sick and I was feeling tired and now I just don't anymore. Just like that. The suddenness is hard to accept. It really feels like I am dreaming. I have to be dreaming this. This CANNOT be real. But it is. And I know it is.

And I'm tired. It was november last year when we decided to call the clinic and be put back on the wait list. We had 2 embryos transferred in february, then two in june and now these two little babies this past month. I have spent the year waiting, hoping, doping, crying and hurting. It's been the hardest year of my life and I am SO TIRED.

I can't end there though because I am not that kind of person. I wallow and then I kick myself in the butt and then I go around that circle again.

SO yes we are grateful for the life that we do have. Our lives are fantastic. We are healthy. Caden is our sunshine - he is our miracle and the love that I am filled with for him is indescribable. That he exists at all is absolutely amazing. He's the best gift possible. I just can't express what it means to us to have him in our lives. He got a lot of hugs and kisses yesterday that is for sure.

I spent some time looking for scriptures to help us. I'm reminded that God cares. I can focus on everything that sucks about this or I can think - What if this is the last week of my life? Should I sit here wallowing? There was an Oprah on this past week - the day before this happened - that aired the lecture of the professor from Carnegie Mellom university. You may have heard of it. He is dying. Has a few months to live and is chosing to live well. To live healthy and productively. I can hardly whine under the memory of that man. You can download the lecture if you want. SO - I am sad but I also know it is our choice how to handle this and what thoughts to allow ourselves to think. ya - I don't think it is fair but who has had a life that they would describe that way? That's not the point. The point is loving people, loving God and this is the time that shows if we really trust Him or not. So - I will do my best to choose to see the sunshine and look forward with hope that we will still have another baby one day.